Helpless.

I thought I had it all together...medical wise, anyway. I stood by my older daughter for two years as almost any and everything was done to her. I watch IV's being started, blood being taken, a huge 'tack-like' needle being inserted into the port that was inserted in her chest...I was tough.....or so I thought.

I lost it. I totally blew it. I completely feel apart. My 4 year old was the bravest, most calm thing I have ever witnessed in my life. She was reminding me to take deep breaths....God, I love that girl so much. My 4 year old is telling me to breath.

I was on the phone with our insurance company, of all people! And I had this feeling (God's nudge!) that I needed to go check on Kylie. I peeked around the corner and saw that she was falling asleep in her high chair. I was trying to get her to eat, since she hasn't eaten in so long. She would not touch a thing (NOT even a french fry)...I knew she wasn't herself then! I went around the corner to get closer because I was going to take her picture (still on the phone) and as I am pushing the button I realize that something was not right. Before I could even lower my camera it started.

First, her eyes roll in the back of her head. In the picture I noticed that she wasn't holding her head up well....that is when I knew something was wrong. I look down and see her left foot shaking, as if she were shivering (still on the phone....I think she is shivering from the fever). By the time I reached her high chair, she was gone. I picked up her limp body and at that moment the seizure began. As a mother, I don't think this is really happening. It honestly feels like a dream. So much so, that I hang up the phone with the insurance company and call the doctor. I AM CALLING THE DOCTOR (what was I thinking...I wasted seconds!) By the time the receptionist says 'hello', it hits me that this is a for real seizure and I am not dreaming. I call 911.

I am a mess. I literally cannot even get words out of my mouth. Tears just start streaming down my face and I can't breath. I am holding my baby in my arms and she is having a seizure and not breathing. It is so surreal. The next part happened so fast (but took forever at the same time!!!!)...

911 - 911, what's your emergency? (seriously, just like the TV show)
Me - (can't talk...just crying, maybe yelling into the phone?)
911- Ma'am, what is wrong?
Me- My daughter is having a seizure....
911- You need to lay her on her back on a flat surface....what is she doing now?
Me- She is shaking, her breaths are very shallow, her eyes are in the back of her head, she is jerking like crazy
911- Does she have anything in her mouth?
Me- She's turning blue.....her breathing is slowing down, OH MY GOD, she's not breathing.....SHE'S NOT BREATHING!
At some point she tells me I am going to have to do CPR.....
Me- OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD (Alexie is watching all of this)
911- Can you open her mouth?
Me- (her mouth is slightly open, I put my right four fingers on her upper jaw and my left four fingers on her lower jaw) Her jaw is locked shut....I cannot open it at all. She's not breathing!!!!!!!!!!!
(in the background I hear sirens {THANK YOU, LORD}....there was more to the conversation but that part is kind of a blur)
(About 10 seconds pass with Kylie not breathing and she takes one gasp of air.....then another and about 5 more seconds later she is breathing again on her own)
Me- .....she's starting to take short, fast breaths......
911- Is she still seizing?
Me-Yes
Alexie - (rubbing my back) Mommy, it is going to be ok. When Daddy gets home we are going to take you to buy a surprise....
Me- (now I am CRYING HARDER....I lost it all over again. My 4 year old is taking care of ME)
Alexie- (rubbing my leg) Take deep breaths, Mommy. You have to remember to breath.
911- who is that?
Me- Just my 4 year old.....she's a whole lot braver than I am.

At this point, I realize that I am not dreaming. It took seeing the 8 firemen and paramedics standing in my living room to figure out that all of this did indeed happen. Kylie is now starting to come out of it. From what I am told, having a seizure would be like us running 4 marathons. Afterwards, your body is shot....done. You don't even have the strength to lift a hand. They checked her out, took her temp (104). Kylie experience a Febrile seizures - also known as convulsions, body spasms, or shaking, occur mainly in children and are caused by fever. I have heard of this before, but of course you never think it will happen to you (or your child). It is not the number of the temp that the child has, it is how fast a child's temp spikes. Evidently, while Kylie was sitting in her high chair (THANK YOU, GOD THAT SHE WAS SITTING IN HER HIGH CHAIR) her temp spiked so fast she began to seize.

Poor, sweet, brave Alexie. When all the men starting coming in the house she got so scared and went and hid under the couch in the front room. She stayed there the entire time. We all got to take a trip in the Ambulance. {I still don't think I am breathing. I actually think I am going to throw up}. They took Ky out to the Ambulance while I locked up and our sweet neighbor was reminding me of everything I needed. Alexie was scared to ride....but it didn't take much convincing for her to go.

Arriving at the hospital, Kylie was still not herself. {I still think I am going to throw up}. It took several hours before she was back to her smiley self....and then she was WOUND UP! God, it was so good to see her like that.

Where we are now - still having a hard time controlling her fever. We spent the night in the hospital, obviously. They know what is causing all of this - pneumonia & an ear infection. We will be there for at least another day. They are not going to send us home until we have the fever under control. They have her hooked up to so many things (interesting when you have to keep it all untangled and connected to a 1 year old!!!) but this will monitor her heart rate and so forth. When her heart rate starts rising they know her fever is rising. Last night her heart rate jumped to 220 (her normal is about 140) and about three nurses ran in and started working. They worked so hard. Sure enough her fever was 104. They packed her diaper with wet washcloths and started rubbing her head and so forth with cool washcloths. After this and some more meds....the fever started coming down. We have got to keep her temp down to keep her from having another seizure.

This post has drained me. I have kind of re-lived it all. I am so tired....did not sleep at all last night. Robbie went and stayed with the baby so I could come home and shower. I am about to head back up there....but I am taking my computer, so I will be able to update some more. Please keep the prayers coming. Love you all!

ps...I just realized that I had to call 911 twice in five days!! CRAZY!