Raw

Hmmm, where to begin? I have been thinking about this post for quite some time now and it was never the right time...or maybe enough guts on my part. This blog has been my journal, and although anyone can read it, I like to journal these thoughts to show how God is working in my life and hopefully see how my relationship with Him grows.

Disclaimer: Anything I write, you may or may not agree with, but these are my thoughts and how God has been using things in my life to get my attention and there is no need to leave any hateful comments if you happen to disagree with any of this...just had to put that out there - Sorry!

I've really sucked it up in the life department the past several months. No really, I told you this was going to be raw. The only reason I am still able to wake up each morning is because of my precious family and friends walking each step with me.

It all started in August when we received Robbie's deployment papers. That ROCKED my world! I was already having major anxiety about the kids switching schools and then this?! I knew immediately he would go. As a matter of fact, I think it is pretty safe to say that everyone had a gut feeling he would go. We filed for an exemption due to our girls continued health issues, but we heard unless it is something more major than seizures, a possible blood disorder or vasovagal syncope (basically something more like cancer), I guess they feel they need him more than we do (and this is just some of the things we had heard from others that are in the military...so it could be far from the truth...who knows!).

Regardless, God was preparing me that my Husband would be leaving. I knew it in my gut and I heard Him tell me. I spent the next two months going back and forth - he's going....he's not going. It was horrible. I know in times like this you cling to God, but I have to be honest...I was depending on your prayers to help me through this. I was so confused, I didn't even know what to pray for. So then I just prayed for HIS WILL. But, that was still hard. I couldn't even face going to my bible study because I wasn't really there....my mind was on deployment status 24/7.

When we FINALLY got word that they DID exempt him, I was truly speechless. I didn't even cry at first - I was numb. Because God had told me he was going...NOT that I wanted him to AT. ALL. But why would He tell me and prepare me for this HUGE life changing event and then it not happen. Don't take this the wrong way - I am thankful he is here and not THERE.

But what was the purpose of all of this?

And who am I to even question Him?

After all of this, I will go ahead and tell you I was bitter! Not because Husband didn't go, but because I was told to prepare...BY HIM, I had anxiety for months, having to explain to my children that their daddy could be leaving for a year or more...I didn't get it! I still don't. And I know I won't until I see Him. But boy, did that whole thing screw with me. Lesson learned, CLING to HIM harder than you ever have before during any trying time. I let the 'what if's' take over and I was long gone instead of focusing on what I should have.

So, all that drama ends and I don't know where to pick up. Yea, I know most Christians would run and pick up their bible and stick their face in His Word, but um...yea, I didn't do that. I sat and tried to analyze all of what had happened and began questioning God. In the meantime, my world was falling apart. I started having this attitude of 'I don't care'. Again, I was bitter. Bitter with God? Maybe. That hurts to even type. He loves me more than anyone on this earth. How could I be bitter with my creator? Oh, it goes so much deeper than this...and I won't even go into some details because they involve other people and maybe one day all of this can just be a testimony to His unfailing love and His promise to take care of us if we OBEY HIS WORD.

All of that to say - Yesterday I woke up and satan was doing everything to discourage me from going to church and of course I was then running late and then I just didn't want to go altogether! I snapped at Husband and put him in a bad mood all because I was being tempted into doing anything wrong. So I started praying. And I prayed and prayed and prayed. I prayed that whatever took place at church would be spoken directly to me. I needed the Holy Spirit to reach down and touch me and say 'Listen and Follow'. I needed to know that He was still there (even though I KNOW HE IS).

Well, He is faithful. The entire sermon was about Faith. Are you kidding me? I didn't realize it, but I had lost total faith in all parts of my life...like God was failing me...are you kidding? That's what the devil wanted me to believe.

1 John 5: 3-4

This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world, even our faith.

Here are a couple of ways God spoke to me yesterday....

Pastor Graham said, 'So much suffering is caused from sin'. Again, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I mean, we know that, right? But when he said it and then I actually wrote it down, it clicked. There are areas in my life that I am sinning and I don't even realize it. And then there are areas in my life where I am sinning and I 'pretend' I don't realize...ha, jokes on me!

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Cain believed IN God. Abel BELIEVED GOD. Cain's way of pleasing God was self effort, what he thought would be pleasing to God. Basically this time we have on earth is not about our way or what we think is pleasing to God (or even pleasing to ourselves), but by doing it the right way - God's way.

Hebrews 11:4

By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did. By faith he was commended as a righteous man, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead.

And lastly, the very first thing I reminded myself of this morning before even getting out of bed - ONE STEP AT A TIME. I just thought to myself, 'you just have to get the kids out the door for school'...and then I will take the next small task. And soon, I will be able to take ONE DAY at a time...it will happen!

I have faith it will! {wink}